In the year 1981:
1. Prince Charles gets married.
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup.
3. The Pope dies.

In the year 2005:
1. Prince Charles gets married.
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup.
3. The Pope dies.

Conclusion: In case Charles will ever get married again and Liverpool makes it into the finals, someone should inform the Pope !!!

_______________________

There was this fellow who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “Oh, boy, better open this one and see what it’s all about.” So he opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday, someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited 2 of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96 which they put into an envelope and sent over to her.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done. Christmas came and went and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

________________
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, bring me a beer before it starts”

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, “Quick, another beer before it starts.”

“That’s it!” She blows her top, “You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?”

The husband sighed. “Oh shit, it started!”

_______________________
One day a Jew, a Hindu, and a Scouser all arrived at their hotel to find there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.

The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.

They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Jew graciously said he’d sleep in the barn.

The Hindu and the scouser were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the Jew. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a pig in that barn and because I’m Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

“No problem,” said the Hindu. “I’ll sleep out there instead.”
So off he went to the barn, leaving the Scouser and the Jew to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.
It was the Hindu. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but there’s a cow in that barn and because I’m a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it.”

The Scouser grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Jew and the Hindu to share the room.

The Jew and the Hindu were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

___________________
TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

RE: Revocation of your Independence

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise,you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’(pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh.

You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “$hit”.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium.

Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”.

The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation
__________________________
A Scientific Approach to….
Understanding My Girlfriend’s Role in the Overall Degradation of My Life’s Quality - (www.nerdysouth.com)

I would like to educate people as to why my life no longer has that special feeling to it. I’m talking about the feeling that inspires me to succeed and live life to it’s fullest; the feeling that no words could ever describe—even though I just did it.

I would like to share what takes place in my relationship that is responsible for all this trouble: my girlfriend.

Everything you are about to read is a true complaint I have filed at one time or another with my girlfriend, except instead of just bitching about it, I’m going to explore it in a more scientific way.

Maybe one day, I can fully understand how Relationship Dynamics work, thus enabling me to forumlate ways to avoid all future problems. I will simply introduce each principle of Relationship Dynamics as I have discovered them, and then go into depth.

1. Principle of Decreasing Video Game Ability:
It’s a well known fact that girlfriends are excessively needy and insist on having 100% of your attention directed towards them at all times. Any sort of activity where the boyfriend has a chance to relax or relieve stress is strictly forbidden as it interferes with the girlfriend’s agenda (their agenda consisting of stress-filled conversations about life and how they’re depressed).

My girlfriend still lets me play video games, but her very presence hinders my ability to play well. In fact, the exact level of my decreasing ability can be modeled mathematically to an accurate degree.

The number of hours I spend with my girlfriend (t) has a direct-negative affect on my game playing abilities (a).

As you can see, for every hour I spend with my girlfriend, a portion of my total ability to kick ass drops until finally, at around 24 hours, my video game playing skills are gone. Video games, my only escape from a harsh day, and my girlfriend steals that one joy away from me.

2. Principle of Sleep Deprivation:
In order to be satisfied with my daily life, I need to get enough solid sleep during the night. You would think sleeping next to a warm girl would provide for a wonderful, deep slumber, wouldn’t you? Wrong!

A general principle of Relationship Dynamics prohibits such a peaceful slumber because interactions via simple forces and natural physics lead to a terrible night’s sleep.

The first rule of this principle is as follows:
Increasing proximity in bed means increasing sleep discomfort, which means a decrease in sleep quality. I will refer to this rule as the Proximity-Slant Rule. You see, when two people share one bed, they both create an indentation in the mattress directly proportional to their body weight.

As with most young adults, I’ve spent all my life sleeping by myself, in my own indentation which is a perfect, comfortable balance of my body weight. This is my natural resting state.

However, once the “girlfriend” enters the scene, everything changes for the worse as she throws off the balance of the bed which makes me uncomfortable. This whole situation wouldn’t actually be a problem if my girlfriend agreed to sleep on the opposite side of the bed from me, but NOOOOOO, she wants to be right next to me; needy bitch (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).

I’m not against sleeping with my girlfriend; I’m just against her sleeping right next to me, which ultimately throws off the delicate balance between comfort and discomfort (look at the below diagram to see what I mean).

Hopefully by now, you understand the Proximity-Slant Rule and it’s implications for a sleepless night, due to discomfort caused by an uneven balance in the way my body weight is shifted during sleep. This lack of uninterrupted sleep brings me to the next rule of this principle.

It’s a well known fact that in order for one to get a full night’s rest, the mind must go through many cycles of REM sleep which occurs every 1.5 hours. Because I’m so uncomfortable in bed with my girlfriend (as the Proximity-Slant Rule requires), I always wake up at least once an hour which makes reaching REM sleep an impossible objective.

The simple connection between my lack of REM sleep caused by the Proximity-Slant Rule is known as the Proximity-REM Deprivation Relationship. It’s an unavoidable consequence of an uncomfortable night’s sleep and always leaves me feeling like shit the following morning. Speaking of the following morning, there is one last aspect of the Principle of Sleep Deprivation which I feel obligated to explain.

I love to sleep-in on the weekends. I strive to stay in my bed until 1:00pm at the earliest, however this is extremely hard to do when YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND THAT WAKES UP AT 8:00AM AND NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UP. Who the hell does she think she is trying to impose her sleeping habits on me? If she wants to wake up at 8:00am, fine by me—just leave the bedroom, go into the kitchen and cook me up a feast that’ll be ready by early afternoon. Too bad that never happens.

Instead, every waking hour of hers is devoted to talking to me, poking me, and moving around on the bed, thus making sleep impossible. This type of girlfriend is known as the Wakusearliousannoyus, which is Latin for “annoying bitch in the morning.” I would highly suggest avoiding this type of girl at all costs; it’s just not worth it.

3. Principle of Food-Thievery:
Since women are typically obsessed with being “lady-like,” they are too afraid to eat big meals because that would make them look gluttonous. To work around this problem, women have devised a way to not only eat enough food to be satisfied, but not look gluttonous at the same time. This solution involves taking subtle bits from their boyfriend’s meal. Though a single bit might be stolen every few minutes, over the course of the meal, it accumulates to a substantial amount. That’s the genius of the whole solution!

If I were to complain and tell my girlfriend to “Get your own fucking food,” she’ll just respond with “It’s only a little bite, stop being so selfish!” This not only makes me look like the bad guy, but enables her to continue stealing my food without any shred of guilt (you have to hand it to women; their ability to successfully execute mind-games and manipulation is amazing). Women don’t think that this stealing of food is harmful, but I will prove them wrong:

I eat an average of 5 meals a week with my girlfriend. From each meal, she successfully steals on average 3 bites—I normally consume an average sized meal in 15 bites. When the math is calculated, it turns out that every week my girlfriend steals the equivalent of one meal from me. [(3/15 of each meal is stolen from me) x (5 meals a week w/ girlfriend) = 1 full meal.]

Now take that times 52 weeks in a year and we get 52 meals that I’ve been robbed of. Divide 52 by 3 (for 3 meals a day) and we get the equivalent of ‘17 days a year where I don’t eat!

Now for the really fun part: The average couple marries at around age 30, and let’s just say they live as a couple until 70 years old. That’s 40 years of being together. Now let’s apply these numbers to my situation to create a possible scenario: I’m with my partner for 40 years at a cost of 17 days/year not eating—that’s 680 days of not eating!!! That’s almost two full years of starvation. Wow.

So, women think that their little food habit stealing isn’t harmful? Think again you gluttonous, food stealing bitch. I love food, and taking away that much food away from me is a moral crime.

Conclusion:
After reviewing the facts, it’s very easy to understand why life with my current girlfriend is nothing short of what could be described as hell. I sit before you, writing this article, a broken, exhausted man. But I’m on a mission to learn more about Relationship Dynamics in the ultimate hope that one day I will understand enough to help myself and help others.

For all you men out there with girlfriends: May God have mercy on your soul!

_____________________
Morality test

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. Please don’t answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one-way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You’re in Florida…In Miami, to be exact… There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water forming devastating waves. You are a news photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless - but you know that you will escape alive. You’re trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power, and is ripping everything away with it.

Suddenly, you see a man in the water, and he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar. And suddenly you know who it is - it’s George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away … forever.

You have two options. You can try to save him or you can take the best photo of your life. So, you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo. A unique photo displaying the death the death of one of the world’s most powerful men.

And here’s the question: (Please give an honest answer)

Would you select color film, or go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
__________________
Subject: A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a quiet bar

He carried three ducks, one in each hand and one under his left arm.

He placed them one beside the other upon the bar.

He had a few drinks and chatted with the bartender.

The bartender was experienced and had learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the
bar, so he didn’t
mention the ducks.

They chatted for about another 30 minutes before the man with the ducks had to go to the restroom.

He left the ducks there on the bar.

The bartender was alone with the ducks.

There was an awkward silence as they all looked at one another.

The bartender decided to break the ice and try to make a little conversation.

“Say, what’s your name?” he asked the first duck.

“Huey,” replied the first duck.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day! What else could a duck want?” commented the duck.

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. Then he said to the second
duck, “Hi. And what’s your name?”

“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.

“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” he asked.

“Great. Lovely day. I had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles
all day myself. If I had the chance another day I would do the
same again!” said the duck in reply.

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must
be Louie!?”

“No,” growls the third duck, “my name is Puddles. And don’t even
ask what kind of day I’ve had!”
_______________________
=============================================================
IKEA WALKTHROUGH v2.3.1
=============================================================

IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized.

=============================================================
OBJECTIVE
=============================================================

Your goal is to successfully traverse the five awesome worlds of IKEA before your patience runs out. On your first few tries this may seem like an impossible task, but with practice (and this IKEA Walkthrough!) you will soon be able to muster the sense of numb resignation necessary for victory.

=============================================================
WORLD ONE: PARKING LOT
=============================================================

Your adventure begins! Drive your vehicle into the IKEA underground PARKING LOT. Your task is to find the fabled PARKING SPOT hidden deep within this toxic cavern. Your search will not be easy, as the PARKING SPOT may not appear until you first qualify by completing several dozen laps. As in all worlds, time is of the essence: If you are unable to find the PARKING SPOT in 180 minutes or less, you may become irritated and leave.

Although your vehicle comes equipped with a braking mechanism (the “B” pedal), the secret to success in this world is to never decelerate. If there are cars in front of you, bump them out of the way until you are able to pass. Although you may think it makes sense to slow down while navigating sharp turns, it is almost always quicker to keep your accelerator (the “A” pedal) depressed to the fullest, crash your vehicle into a wall or parked car as you round the corner, and resume acceleration from a standstill.

To find the PARKING SPOT you will need to venture down the many lanes throughout the PARKING LOT. WARNING: Always look before entering a lane, as many will contain idiots who have elected to simply stop their Ford Excursions in the middle of the passageway and wait for someone to leave. If you inadvertently find yourself trapped behind one of these morons and have selected a vehicle with side-mounted rocket-launchers, use them now.

REMEMBER: Every person you run down in this world is one less you’ll have to deal with in future levels, so never miss an opportunity for carnage!

=============================================================
WORLD TWO: SHOWROOMS
=============================================================

You start this world armed only with a UNIVERSAL FURNITURE-ASSEMBLY ALLEN WRENCH. This is the weakest weapon in IKEA: You will have to hit a person 16 times with it to kill them. So your primary goal in this level is to find more lethal means of dispatching your enemies.

As you enter the SHOWROOM, perform a rolling dodge to the left. Grab a free PAPER TAPE MEASURE and a handful of IKEA EMBLAZONED GOLF PENCILS from the kiosk near the entryway. The PENCILS serve quite well as ranged weapons, but it will take some time to master their use. Before venturing further in the world, stand at the kiosk and practice hurling GOLF PENCILS at patrons as they enter the SHOWROOM. Remember: Hitting the eyes does triple damage.

Now make your way into the main SHOWROOM, using the PAPER TAPE MEASURE to throttle anyone who blocks your path.

As you enter the main area, you will see an EKHARD oiled solid-oak dining sideboard. Quickly kick it apart to acquire the TABLE LEG WITH NAIL.

As you continue through the main SHOWROOM you will see groups blocking the walkways while chatting and others moving against traffic. These people should be killed immediately.

When you enter the office furniture section, search the back wall and acquire the NOMINELL swivel chair with lockable tilt tension and gas-lift seat-height adjustment. Using this to propel yourself through the remainder of the level will greatly improve your time. Be sure to break open all cabinets and dressers as you travel, looking for power-ups.

In the kitchen area, grab some SCENTED CANDLES. While non-lethal, you can light them and stun those around you with Ye Olde Timey Stench before dispatching them with the KAVALKAD aluminum non-stick saucepan.

You’re almost there! Work your way toward the northern wall. In an alcove near the exit you will find a rack containing copies of the IKEA SPRING 2004 CATALOG. Weighing in at 17 pounds, this is the most powerful weapon you’ll find! Use the CATALOG to bludgeon the remaining people between you and the exit and proceed on to the next world.

NOTE: At any time you can visit the IKEA CAFÉ and acquire a $1 LATTE power-up. Avoid the $0.75 HOT DOG, though: It will give you a temporary energy boost but then impede your reaction time for the remainder of the adventure.

=============================================================
WORLD THREE: MARKETPLACE
=============================================================

Your goal in this world is to locate the five components of the DREAM BEDROOM ENSEMBLE (DBE): MALM white-lacquered queen bed frame, KILAN RAND full/queen 100% cotton quilt cover set, CORRAS bedside table (with casters and one adjustable shelf), HOPEN three-drawer chest, and PAX/BREVIK wardrobe with white-foil finish.

This world is filled with NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs), and many will give you important clues if you interact with them. To “talk” with an NPC, stand in front of one as it tries to browse and wait for it to address you directly. If it tries to move around you, simply reposition yourself between it and its desired merchandise. If it refuses to acknowledge you, try cuffing it sharply on the side of the head and saying, “Hey! Hey buddy!”

Once dialogue has been initiated, listen closely for hints to the location of your DBE components. If the NPC stops talking, you may need to prompt it by asking about its favorite topics. Here are some subjects that the NPCs in IKEA will be happy to talk about:

* The final episode of Friends
* What’s up with all this rain
* The Oprah Book Club, back before she started picking hard-to-read Gabriel García Márquez crap
* The South Beach Diet
* That one Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Frank fakes an injury so he won’t have to go on a cruise with Marie
* The Gap

Scattered throughout this level are IKEA computer terminals. If you can hack into one you may be able to locate your DBS components, but an IKEA STAFF MEMBER may enter the scene and ask what you are doing. If you speak like the Swedish Chef you may be able to fool the employee into thinking you are the IKEA regional manager. If he still seems skeptical, pants him and flee into the IKEA KIDS section.

Whenever you find one of the DBE components, take the purchase tag associated with it; when you have collected all five, the next world will unlock.

=============================================================
WORLD FOUR: SELF-SERVE WAREHOUSE
=============================================================

Now you must find your actual DBE items in the SELF-SERVE WAREHOUSE. This labyrinth can be very frustrating and will require your full attention to navigate. Do not rely on the warehouse shelf locations printed on the purchase tags of your items — due to some translation bugs introduced while porting IKEA from Swedish to English, they are almost never correct.

Upon entering the warehouse, you need to go:

N, N, E, N, S, SW, U, N, W, U, W, W, W, U, NW, N, NW, S, E, W, W, W, N, W.

Now you are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike. A skeleton, probably the remains of a luckless consumer, lies here. Beside the skeleton is a rusty SKARPT high-quality steel knife with hard plastic handle and a shopping cart. Search the body. Take the IKEA GIFT CARD (still has $43 on it). Take and eat the SWEDISH FISH for sustenance. Now go:

S, E, D, D, E, SW, W, SW, D, W, U, S.

Here you will find the shelves containing your DBE components. In this mini-puzzle, you must fit all of your merchandise onto the cart so nothing falls off as you proceed to CHECKOUT. It’s like Tetris, minus the catchy Russian music and the fun. DON’T SPEND MORE THAN THREE OR FOUR HOURS WORKING ON THIS!

Continue to checkout:

E, U, U, E, U, N, NE, N, SW, S, W, N, E, U, U, N.

You’ve made it!

NOTE: One wrong turn in the WAREHOUSE could cause you to lose precious hours trying to find your way out. So take items off the shelves as you travel, place them on the floor, and make a map as you go. That way, if you make a wrong turn, you will be able to backtrack. For example:

A. KOMPLEMENT 13-trouser pant hanger
B. HUSAR glass-door cabinet
C. SKYMTA mouth-blown drinking glass
D. TOMELILLA sofa with removable and washable DELSBO sand slipcover
E. MELODI white plastic pendant lamp

=============================================================
WORLD FIVE: CHECKOUT
=============================================================

This is it. The matchup between you and the final boss: IKEA founder Ingvar Kamprad. But unlike traditional adventures, this ultimate showdown is not one of violence (much as, at this point, you’d like it to be), but rather a battle of will and endurance. If your PATIENCE is already running low, you are unlikely to finish this world. But this is what you’ll need to do to survive.

First push your cart into the CHECKOUT line. Now stand there and wait. Continue to wait. If the person in front of you moves forward, you should move forward as well. And then wait. The key to CHECKOUT — and I cannot emphasize this enough — is to wait.

IKEA veterans know the secret to defeating this level: While waiting in line it’s crucial that you NOT CONTEMPLATE YOUR MERCHANDISE! Do not ask yourself if you really need seven tiny wicker baskets. Do not wonder what’s wrong with the perfectly good entertainment center you have at home. Do not try to reconcile your recent participation in anti-globalization protest parades with the fact that you are now on the verge of buying an armchair that somehow costs 23 bucks. EVERY MINUTE YOU SPEND THINKING ABOUT YOUR IMPENDING PURCHASES WILL HALVE YOUR REMAINING PATIENCE!!

If you can keep your mind blank — or if you can distract yourself by thumbing through the IKEA CATALOG and planning a strategy for your next run — you will be able to complete CHECKOUT and, thus, your adventure.

=============================================================
FINALE
=============================================================

Congratulations — you’ve beaten IKEA! Now sit back and enjoy the end sequence: a splitting headache and a screaming match with your spouse over lunch at Burger King. You’ve earned it!