June 2008
Monthly Archive
Friday Jokes 23
F1end 27 Jun 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- “Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you”.
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her. “Which word?”, the woman asked. “Love.”
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you”, the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died”, her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him. “Which word?”, her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia.”
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The Thoughts Of George Carlin
1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?”
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?”
13. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
18. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
19. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
28. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
29. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
30. How is it possible to have a civil war?
31. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
32. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
33. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
34. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
35. Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?
36. Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
37. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
38. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
39. Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?
40. If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
41. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Friday Jokes 22
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.” The blonde says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?” The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says, “Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”
Friday Jokes 21
F1end 06 Jun 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mum, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
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