May 2008
Monthly Archive
Friday Jokes 20
F1end 30 May 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
“If you had a quarter,” quizzed the teacher,” and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?” “One quarter.” answered little Johnny. “You don’t know your arithmetic!” snapped the teacher shaking her head. Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my dad!”
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Iggy and the Stooges rider
As if you need another reason to love Iggy Pop, the veteran rocker (and his band The Stooges) have the single most entertaining concert rider TSG has ever obtained. The document–all 18 pages of which you’ll find below–describes Iggy’s requirements in terms of amplifiers, security, lighting, stage set up, and dressing rooms. But unlike most similar documents, Iggy’s rider is written in a rollicking, stream-of-consciousness fashion that delivers multiple laughs per page. Apparently written by roadie Jos Grain, the Iggy rider is peppered with witty gems, tasteless asides, and typos. For example, in describing how Iggy’s dressing room should be made to “look less like a typical rock & roll dressing room,” the rider suggests that promoters “just let someone loose with a little bit of artistic flair…Er, do you know any homosexuals?” Explaining the need for two heavy duty fans, Grain notes, “So that I can wear a scarf and pretend to be in a Bon Jovi video.” Also, don’t miss the backstage requirements of a Bob Hope impersonator and “a copy of USA Today that’s got a story about morbidly obese people in it. Most amusing!” (18 pages)
Friday Jokes 19
F1end 23 May 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN $200?”
Friday Jokes 18
F1end 16 May 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, “What can your cat do?” The Government Employee called his cat and said, “Coffee Break… do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet - ate the cookies… drank the milk… shit on the paper… screwed the other three cats… claimed he injured his back while doing so… filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions… put in for Workers Compensation… and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
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Friday Jokes 17
F1end 09 May 2008 | : Funny, Jokes
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”"That’s terrible!” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord.”"Thank you!” the woman responds.So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!” Continue Reading »
