Jokes
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Friday Jokes 34
Posted by F1end on 06 Mar 2009 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room. “It’s me or the magazines,” Bob insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, Bob left. As he told his friends, she just had too many issues.
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Friday Jokes 33
Posted by F1end on 13 Feb 2009 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, “Look at these! They’re the most perfect breasts God ever created and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, “OK, your Majesty, you may go in.”
Dolly is outraged and asks, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?”
“Sorry, Dolly,” says the Angel, “but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair…”
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Friday Jokes 31
Posted by F1end on 21 Nov 2008 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled and says “You know what I want don’t you?” “Yeah,” says Paddy. “The whole fucking bed by the looks of it!”
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Friday Jokes 30
Posted by F1end on 14 Nov 2008 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
Guy says to his wife “Darling, what would you do if I said I’d won the lottery?” Wife replies “I’d take half and leave you” Guy says “Excellent! I got 3 numbers, here’s a fiver… now fuck off!”
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Friday Jokes 29
Posted by F1end on 31 Oct 2008 | Tagged as: Jokes
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.” The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?” The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!” The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
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Friday Jokes 27
Posted by F1end on 17 Oct 2008 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.
In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
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Friday Jokes 25
Posted by F1end on 15 Aug 2008 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
A man, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. He replied: “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”
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Friday Jokes 23
Posted by F1end on 27 Jun 2008 | Tagged as: Funny, Jokes
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- “Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you”.
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her. “Which word?”, the woman asked. “Love.”
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you”, the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died”, her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him. “Which word?”, her husband asked. “Czechoslovakia.”
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